This is not a joke; I like fruitcake.
That being said, I am a fruitcake snob.
If it came with a package and a label, I won’t eat it, and if it looks anything like this. . .

. . .or this, it’s probably going in the compost. 
Here’s how to do fruitcake with some very tasty results!
1. Make your Own! – Homemade is infinitely better, unless you know some magical bakery that knows right from wrong.
2. Find the Right Recipe – Choose based on ingredients, and substitute a little to your taste. Do you like figs and walnuts? Go for that! Do you like candied citron, but no green cherries; switch it out!
3. Mellow Your Fruitcake – While no harder than a regular cake to bake, your homemade cake need 2 to 8 weeks to “mellow”. After the cake is fully cool, wrap it in food grade cheesecloth and douse it in brandy (or juice). Repeat this once a week, and you will have a rich cake ready to eat in little slivers by the fire!
Somebody has soaked these suckers in brandy in preparation for the Holiday Season!

 If you’re still not convinced. . . 

4. Try making a Panforte! – These traditional Italian cakes are loaded with dried fruits, nuts and sometimes even cocoa! Above is a traditional Panforte di Siena. Years ago, I tried this recipe because of my namesake. My recipe yielded a chewy, caramel-like cake that went perfectly with a little cup of coffee!
Well, I hope I’ve convinced you that fruitcake is not the devil’s work after all. Seriously, try out a good recipe and have fun dousing that puppy until it’s time to serve!
P.S. Let me know how it goes!!